Something I have been reflecting on a lot recently, is how difficult I can find it to raise my voice.
I am not talking especially about the physical aspect of voice projection, although that can be a genuine challenge at times of tiredness and vocal depletion, but more about the way it can feel really hard to speak up and share what I think with confidence.
It’s as though there is an invisible barrier between the truth in my heart, and the courage required of that same heart to boldly share that truth, in words or actions.
However as someone for whom my training as an actor was all about discovering and developing my voice – this realisation of how muted my personal voice has become, was quite a surprise.
I worry about taking up too much space, being too loud, too bold, too direct, too intense, too sensitive, too cheerful, too upbeat, too honest, too depressed, too arrogant, too, too, too… full of my own sense of self.
Yet I am beginning to see by degrees where I have only allowed certain people to see a more curated version of myself. The one that I have learned is most palatable to them. But it’s only been through another year and a half of regular counselling, that I have begun to recognise it.
I have spent years receiving comments that express displeasure (whether in direct or joke form) about my ‘me-ness‘. You know the kind of thing – those comments which reduce our sense of self to a mere tag line.
And I have felt the pressure to conform to the expectation of not being a challenge. To not draw attention to areas of conflict. And half the time, these expectations have been so subtle, unconscious even – that it has been hard to grasp the range of damage.
But I am slowly learning to speak up for myself, in small, direct ways.
I’m getting better at advocating for my needs and the needs of my family to those around me, and letting it slide off if or when that causes disappointment.
It feels very new, and scary for someone who has spent more years monitoring and acquiescing to the spoken and unspoken expectations of others, but it is also starting to feel good.
Yes, this may lead to some rejection, but the more true to myself I can be, the more my relationships can be based on who I actually am, rather than the people-pleasing version.
And I think the real me is actually pretty great.
Besides, I want to meet others with a willingness to accept them where they are, without intending to change them. Something that I have not always been good at. Because whilst we all have room to grow, the timing, and the shape that takes is really no one else’s business.
Just as I am learning to discover and trust that how God made me (talkative, passionate and unable to blend in or assimilate) is not inherently wrong, but part of my unique beauty –
the more we can tenderly embrace those parts of ourselves which don’t fit, without insisting that we change to make us more convenient to others –
the more we are able to extend that to those around us.
In the process we discover a greater richness and beauty than we ever imagined was out there.
To be clear, I am not saying that we have no work to do on ourselves and our habits. I always have plenty to work on. But rather that we cannot grow successfully, if we are too busy trying to shrink or expand to fit .
We need to feel safe and delighted in as we are, before we will become all that we were made for.
Sometimes that means taking a break from environments that do not delight in us, until we have sufficiently cultivated that acceptance for ourselves, away from the noise of disapproval.
So perhaps you need (like me) to take the time to discover yourself, your heart, your dreams, likes and dislikes a little more. And if your environment doesn’t allow for that, then take a break for a while.
