Yesterday marked the start of Babyloss Awareness Week here in the UK.
This is something which my husband and I now have some experience with.
We have several family members and friends who had navigated this path ahead of us, and then when in 2016 we had to join this horrible club, it took on yet another layer of meaning.
Regardless of how long you have carried a child, whether from the first few hours after conception or right up until post-birth, you became parents with the arrival of their little life on this planet, and losing a child is horrible. I think most people can appreciate that. However it can be harder for people to understand the huge amount of grief your body experiences, from carrying a child without being about to raise them.
We still believe that modern medicine has almost cured everything – even death (at least, it seems that way), so we often don’t realise how many people still experience miscarriage and still birth.
But the stats are still much higher than we might expect –
‘Sadly around 4,800 babies are stillborn or die shortly after birth every year in England and Wales, which amounts to over 13 every day and UK figures are only in recent years starting to decrease for the first time in 20 years.
A large number of miscarriages go unreported as many can be dealt with at home so there is no clear number of how many occur every year but it is thought to be that 1 in 6 pregnancies end miscarriage and 1 in 90 pregnancies in the UK are ectopic. Up to 75% of miscarriages occur in the first trimester.
Sad Statistics – MAMA Academy.
Sadly, it is also quite common for couples to go on to have more miscarriages as 1 in 100 couples experience recurrent miscarriage (3 or more in a row). However, women experiencing recurrent miscarriages, are still likely to go on to have a successful pregnancy in the future.’
For many people, the unseen nature of miscarriage – especially early miscarriage – can make it hard to connect with, but this doesn’t meant that the loss isn’t felt keenly.
Even if it was really early on, a woman’s body has known that she was pregnant and it will go on to feel all the hormonal shifts, and physical confusion of no longer being pregnant.
This post-partum season in itself is exhausting, but can feel overwhelming without the comfort and joy of a new baby to delight in – particularly if you are feeling especially isolated.
All children are people, regardless of how old, and losing your child will have a life-long impact. Thankfully, grief processed well, doesn’t doom you to a future without any hope, or freedom to live with joy.
But this is all the more reason to have good support.
I write this, to stand in solidarity with all of you mothers and fathers who have had to deal with this miserable reality – your grief is valued and seen here.
Please don’t feel as though you are making too big a deal out of your loss. You are not.
And if you’re supporting someone going through the loss of a child – listen, be gentle, bring food, give them time to sleep (particularly if they have other children) and don’t underestimate the power of acknowledging how big their pain is and being emotionally and physically present – these expressions of love and care will help the healing process.
We all need our stories to be acknowledged, validated and held with empathy – and when they are, it helps us to move forward and heal.
